Mental Hospital Switchboard

Please press hash now to continue, whether it appears on your keypad or not. If you do not have a touch-tone phone, go out and buy one. Then call again.

Please choose one of the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 over and over and over again;

If you are multiple personality, touch 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

If you are hysterical, don't touch any buttons whatsoever, something terrible might happen;

If you are bipolar, touch 1, then 9;

If you are schizophrenic, don't touch any buttons, a little voice will tell you what to do;

If you are paranoid, there is no need to touch any buttons. We know who you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon.

If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall and run away with the phone;

If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart. Place each piece in a plastic bag. Tape each plastic bag tightly shut. Place all the plastic bags into a large, brown paper bag, which you then place in the southeast corner of your freezer.

If you are depressed, do not touch any buttons. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

If you are manic, touch as many buttons as you can as fast as possible;